Feeling the Blues

Okay first, let’s conquer the ultimate psychological question:

Should we be taking man-made medicines to battle depression, anxiety, and other somewhat minor psychological problems? Or should we just let our body take its course and solve this directly through how we are living our lives?

I have pretty much already answered this question for myself – I cannot live happily without the help of a little thing called anti-depressants and anti-anxiety (they come in one pill). I did not know just how deep into the blue pit I had fallen until the drugs finally started kicking in and I was this thing called consistently happy. No more extreme lows and extreme highs. Consistency all the way through. And believe me – I tried many other solutions to the constant sorrow I was feeling… essential oils, praying, vacation, reading, exercise, etc. But the happiness (if you could even call it that) only lasted while experiencing that certain event, and the darkness was always lingering behind, following me (yeah, exactly like those anti-depressant commercials).

I was ecstatic at the amazing results that had concluded from the medicine… yet it leads me to another question I may never know the answer to: Was this sudden change in my mood because I finally moved out and away from the negative memories and was able to start new as a Freshman in college? Or was it just the drugs? Or maybe a mixture of both?

I may never know, but my tendencies to not take my medicine for days at a time now may help me figure out that answer.

Which leads me to my next topic. Unfortunately, this drug (And if you’re wondering, it’s the generic form of Lexapro) comes with many side effects. Thankfully, I haven’t experienced them all but it feels like I’ve experienced the worst – night sweats, and severe fatigue all throughout the day. It was really starting to obstruct with my life; I would lay in bed all day at least once a week, very often missing my morning classes or skipping my afternoons to take a nap, doing anything to get even just a few minutes of sleep… It wasn’t healthy for me. My medicine was helping my depression but my constant laziness was just bringing me right back down.

So I stopped taking it. The withdrawal wasn’t as bad as I expected. Mostly just grouchy moods and a little bit of nausea. However, not being on my medicine sucked. I could tell a significant difference in just the way I thought – constant negativity and most of it directed at me. I was hating on myself all day long and then feeling really sorry for myself right afterward. Things that normally would have slid by me and not bothered me the least bit (when on my medicine) would bug me for days on end and put me back into the introverted and quiet shell that I used to hide in.

So here I am, back to taking my medicine and forever wondering if I will have the strength to ever get off. Is this what addiction is like? Needing a drug in order to be happy?

Is this temporary?

I never want to go back to what I was a year ago. Hell, thinking back on it, I’ve dealt with this for the majority of my life. I don’t deserve the misplaced grief that I was constantly feeling. But I also want to live a normal life – one that doesn’t consist of depending on an assortment of drugs in order to live contently.

But how does one do that? Maybe I will take a trip to Sedona and find out.

MaybeWild

When Angels Leave

There is a remarkable poem by *Lang Leav named “Angels”. It tells the story of how angels will enter your life in the form of a person and how this person was sent for some mission, some higher purpose. And those angels – those people – they aren’t meant to stay but we love them all the same.

My response to this poem was this (written long ago when I was smitten, in love, and blind):

When I first laid eyes on you, I was immediately attracted. Not just physically… something just drew me towards you. I hardly knew you, yet it seemed as if a string always drew my eyes to you, rung a bell when you walked into the room, cut away my voice and the bones in my legs when you looked at me. I wasn’t good enough for you though – you had yourself and your life figured out and I was still a mess in both actions and mind. Inadequacy in my character stretched the strings that drew me towards you. However, I grew weary of the life I was living and you all of the sudden showed up on my doorstep, an angel lighting up the dim room. Just your presence had such an impact on me. It was like God had truly sent you into my life to teach me the lessons I’ve never listened to before and keep me safe from my very own doubts and insecurities. It’s true though, I have grown to love you and you may not be mine to keep, but I pray to God every day asking if he’s willing to share.

 

 

If this Angel story is true, if Angels truly are sent to help us in some way… couldn’t they do it a little less painfully?

Because I fell in love with an angel. Not him. When that angel left his body, his true self was revealed. He was disastrous to my heart – I loved someone who no longer existed and the new person that was hiding underneath was cruel and uncaring. I spent years hoping the angel I fell in love with would reinhabit his body as I took blow after blow, never losing hope.

What was the angel sent for? To teach me to not love so freely? To create even thicker walls around my heart? I still love this person no matter how many times he is astonishingly cruel to me and I seem to be incapable of loving anyone else – because the love for an angel is immortal and can conquer no other worldly love.

Why are humans so callous and ruthless? Why are they so uncaring and aloof to the pain they cause others? Why is the pain they cause others always directed back to the pain they feel within themselves? Can’t they stop thinking about themselves for one goddamn minute?

Bring my angel back, please.

*You can read Lang Leav’s exceptional poem and prose “Angels” in her poetry collection “Love & Misadventure.” She furthers her poetry collection with “Lullabies” where you can read countless of other exceptional writings. I definitely reccommend this talented poet!

 

 

What do your mornings start off with?

To answer my own question, my mornings always start off with a slew of curses as I realize I, yet again, gave myself five minutes to get ready AND to get to class. Every. Single. Morning. Without fail.

I don’t know why I don’t learn my lesson. You would think I would want to look at least halfway decent for class but in my half zombie-awake state, nothing phases me. I am pretty sure I am still asleep when I drive to class (and this is if I even wake up at all for these 10 a.m.’s… sad, I know).

I also have this terrible habit of making terrible decisions when I am in this zombie state – like missing class for the third time in a row.

Nevertheless, this week has been particularly productive and I’ve managed to make it to the majority of my classes. It’s also been the most stressful week of my life. Too many tests, too much homework, too many social commitments, too much required extra-curricular activities. I spend one week barely getting out of bed with the made up excuse of the flu, and then the next I feel like I have more responsibilities than the President. Someone, please stop me from saying yes to everything so that I actually have a tad bit of free time?

Regardless, I have finally ended this stressful week with a nice weekend at the beach with my mother and aunt. And the best part? If I don’t want to talk, they are more than happy to talk for me. I can just lay back on the sand, pretend I’m listening, and forget about the world and all of the tests and responsibilities that await me at home.

And this place is absolutely beautiful. Completely undeveloped and as wild as a beach can be and I am in love. In 40 degree weather, I slept in a hammock right on the beach and fell asleep to the sound of the waves. Because of the lack of development, I could see the stars sitting right on the ocean horizon. In the morning, I woke up to the sunrise. I don’t think I can even describe how perfect all of this was and just how much I have needed this. Just a little bit of an escape from everything. I never want to leave. I want to fall in love here. Please don’t take me back….

Alright. Back to reality. I’ll go back on Sunday and resume back to normal life; like we all must one day. Can’t I make a career out of this? I’ll let you know.

MaybeWild